This post is going to make me sound bipolar.
Nevertheless.
I think that for once, I'm actually satisfied with the major I've chosen. And I'm not talking about all the shitty obligatory general courses the school makes me take along the way--refer to my last post for my feelings about
those--nor am I even really talking about the school itself. I'm simply happy with the major.
I get the impression that it's a rare one these days, and that I'm part of a minority (part of only thirteen or so kids in my own school), and whenever someone asks me what I'm studying and they get the inevitable response they look at me like I'm making shit up, or like I'm one of those obnoxious snobby types ('Great' Books
does sound pretentious!) who's wasting her time doing something lofty and selfish and irrelevant to the workings of the world or her future.
But I'm not studying this major to get a job. (That's what the Communications Certificate and the--fingers crossed--future film school are for.) Sometimes, I admit, that fact makes staying motivated difficult. Sometimes I do panic a little, and wonder if I'm not wasting my time. I'm impatient by nature. Nor do I have a mind that's exactly oriented to academic work--my brain's definitely of the less-structured creative variety. (Or the 'artsy-fartsy' type, as my advisor and professor so affectionately debunks it.) Did I mention I'm lazy? In some ways, I'm not cut out for college at all, and on some days, that little more-than-an-intuition becomes painfully obvious.
But when it comes to the Great Books program, there are some things about it, about the method in particular, that just make sense to me, which so calms my spirit. Finally after two years of hating school and Not Seeing The Point, I've found a kind of class in which I can relax and yet behave very seriously; I've found a way to talk about what I really want to talk about. GBS classes don't shove anything down your throat. They're seminars, not lectures. You're not made to memorize themes or dates or sit through an endless parade of retarded powerpoint slides. The wall between 'Professor' and 'You' has all but dissolved, meaning the professor speaks his mind right along with the students. Which, in my book, is awesome! I can't stand when teachers withhold their opinions. It lends them a false, condescending atmosphere.
But the best part for me is the way we approach the material. There is no manipulation, no struggle to make certain things fit a particular mold or theory. There is no 'this is how you're supposed to understand it' or 'this is what you can expect.' In the beginning there is just the book and ourselves, and all we're supposed to do is read it and take it for what it is. Later on we can discuss particular viewpoints, and correct errors in our interpretations. But there is no superimposition of
theory, no forced alignment to a particular political agenda, no automatic 'right' reading, rarely any labeling..... am I still making sense? Was I ever?
It's just, these are the troublesome techniques and methods found in many of the classes in our English curriculum, and they upset me, because they seem so superficial and nonsensical and, ultimately, unworkable. (Postcolonialism? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. Marxist theory doesn't bring you any closer to understanding the truth of the text, whether the work is fictional or not. And feminist criticism is almost as useless. Tired of coherency? Become a deconstructivist! Tear it all down! Forget trying to read. Convert and become an un-reader! None of the words really make sense anyway!)
Reading for GBS seminars feels much more direct and simple and honest and truthful, to me. So I'm happy about this major. Yes. I am.
calm
depressed
cheerful